PuckmelHummerman? – Trials and Tribulations
by Catahoula
Summary: The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family. Or Puckmel TaT. Instead of Carole, Burt falls for Puck's mom at the PT-night thanks to Kurt's own Machiavellian scheming backfiring. Now Puck must deal with Kurt instead of Finn - and vice versa
1. The Pitfalls of Plotting

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family (From Hell)**

**Angst Meme Prompts:** Instead of Carole, Burt meets Pucks mom at the parents-teacher-night. They fall in love and Puck and Kurt become stepbrothers. At first Kurt is terrified, it takes Puck quite a while to earn his trust. After overcoming their initial differences they fall into a loving sibling dynamic. and Burt dates Puck's mom instead of Carole, and Puck must deal with Kurt instead of Finn.  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> T, Puck's language, macchiavellian Kurt  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own Glee or its characters

**A/N: **Disappointingly light on the serious angst so far. Despite being devastated by events unfolding Kurt refused to angst properly and insisted on snark and teenage dramatics. Sorry. Also, apologies to Vivian Westwood in the massively unlikely case she ever reads this (this is no dare to twitter stuff, readers! Shenanigans like that make people stop writing fanfic.): Kurt's opinion is creative license and in now way substantiated, obviously.

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><p><strong>PuckmelHummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family**

Kurt had planned it all so carefully. He'd spend a week figuring out logistics and strategy. He'd storyboarded for fashion victim's heaven's sake! He was invested in this and he _refused _to see his cunning plan implode like this. His own dad, betraying him like that!

Yes, some people might regard it as a little- _extreme _to forcibly match make his own father to the mother of one's crush, all in order to get closer to his very own tall, awkward and handsome knight in shining amour and hopefully bend his very unfortunate straight. But Kurt believed in fighting for what you wanted. And hadn't great grandma Oma Annelie always quoted "where's a will, there's a way!" at him when he'd been small? In German admittedly, but the sentiment clearly transcended languages, culture and the Atlantic Ocean. Wasn't Cosmo encouraging its readers to go after their guy instead of waiting for him to come around?

Kurt was simply more proactive than most people in getting what he wanted. This was a laudable quality, if he might say so himself. And he was, saying it, that is. Why wasn't his determination being rewarded? Why did all his expended energy result in – _this?_

It had started out so well. He looked fabulous, his skin glowed, his boots gleamed, his hair fell effortlessly (53 minutes and 6 products of effortlessness). He had managed to hide his Dad's favorite – hideous – go to flannel shirt and tricked Burt into something approaching stylish (by a _very _generous estimation; but still, progress) in terms of Land's End chic at least. The topics of last week's chats with Dad had included subtle nudges toward finding romance and companionship again, and how totally okay Kurt would be with his dad having a –completely hypothetical – relationship even if it included existing hunky sons, -uh children, and how the Hummel-household might benefit from some female influence...

Everything and everyone was in place. They were here, his victim- uh, Burt's new true love courtesy of his devoted son, aka Carole was here. Kurt had managed to fabricate a reason why _he_ was there and would remain so. He had successfully kept Ms. Hudson from searching out Finn's math teacher to discuss his (non-existent; refer to Finn routinely cheating off _Brittany _of all people. It was a good thing Finn was so tall, and dreamy, and handsome, and noble, and mooning over that shrill harpy Rach– yeah, back to topic) performance in her class in favor of meeting Burt.

Sadly, seeing his storyboarded beginning played out perfectly had lured him into a false sense of security. Ms. Hudson and his dad hadn't fallen in love at first glance. Disappointing, but he could live with that: he'd planned for it actually. What he hadn't planned for was the horribly stilted conversation. After a satisfactory introduction and carefully moderated small talk thanks to one Kurt Hummel, mastermind extraordinaire, the whole thing just- disintegrated.

No matter how skillfully he'd introduced topics, complimented Ms. Hudson's fashion choices (he was _sure_ he'd sounded sincere! He'd practiced in front of the mirror, _knowing_ her clothing style after he'd stalked- _observed_ her in her natural habitat and desensitized himself to her non-ironic late 80s jeans wear) and forced his bewildered Dad into agreement - Dad and Ms. Hudson had remained awkward and close-mouthed. He pointed out shared interests and amazingly similar circumstances: kids in Glee, Kurt being a football player (of exactly 2 games before abandoning the team, but that was what creative license was for) just like Finn, being single parents, having dead spouses, music from the 80s, sons enjoying singing, living in Lima – he had started to get a bit desperate there... He _kept the damn conversation going, _no matter how stilted.

There was zero spark. It had been like watching one of Vivian Westwood's less inspired fashion shows: painful and full of second hand embarassment for the viewer. Finn's mom had tried to excuse herself twice; his dad had to be kept from fleeing once already. It was like herding cats (he imagined; not having had pets or being an animal person in general he wasn't quite clear on the challenge presented by keeping felines in line, it sure sounded annoying though). Kurt had switched to emergency mode and herded the two uncooperative adults to the buffet. Seriously, why was this so hard? Middle-aged straight widower starved for affection, similar orientated female equivalent... it should equal instant romance! Where was the chemistry between two reasonable attractive sex-starved heteros?

They could discover their mutual attraction over chewing uninspired finger food, which Figgins had probably ordered from a prison kitchen, while keeping their mouths occupied. Maybe they just weren't a talkative couple? Discovering their passionate yearning for each other over food was acceptable. Kurt wasn't one to judge as long as they did their Kurt-assigned duty.

Then, just as he had started to let his guard down, disaster struck in the form of a vapid cow - he suspected her of being Ms. Pierce - who had _ruffled his hair_. Kurt had tried to be heroic, to ignore the assault and its results on his look. Even he had his limits though. Some Cheerio's mother had snickered upon looking at him, his head specifically! Dad and Ms. Hudson (they still hadn't progressed to given names. But they weren't actively trying to escape from each other) looked content where he'd placed them. He had supposed he could leave them unsupervised to restore the sanctity of his hair. It would turn out to be a fatal mistake. If only he'd known! He would have suffered any and each styling emergency stoically in order to prevent what would follow.

When Kurt had returned from a short bathroom trip (21 minutes, perfection couldn't be rushed. Also, he'd lost time. It happened when he primped: it put him into a meditative trance, very relaxing. Tragic as it would prove in this instance...) Dad and Carole had separated. Worse, his Dad was animatedly talking to a slim, dark-haired woman. Even to Kurt's unwilling and untrained eyes it was clear they were flirting.

His Dad!

With a woman!

A woman _not_ Carole Hudson, mother to the most wonderful boy on earth (or at the very least at McKinley High, Taylor Lautner still had an edge on Finn globally) and his very own future mother in-law. Mastering the impulse to storm over and drag his father away, Kurt recited the key pieces of YSL's fall collection until he felt a bit less homicidal. Acting like a deranged person wouldn't help his goals. Though in hindsight: _nothing_ would help. It had been the beginning of the end. And he had been a powerless spectator to the horrors unfolding.

Dad had resisted every attempt to be separated from his new crush and be reunited with Carole. The interloper whom Burt had enthusiastically introduced as Deborah had large dark eyes and delicate, if worn and slightly haggard, features: she probably had been a beauty 15 years ago. Kurt wished she had fallen into that 15 feet deep hole near the entrance on her way in; Figgins had been creative with cost cutting measures again and "forgotten" to pay the construction company so they'd stopped working. Yes, he felt spiteful and uncharitable, thank you very much. He had every right to.

He had managed to drag Ms. Hudson back to the pair at least. However, when she successfully extracted herself from the conversation on her second try, she had turned the tables and taken Kurt with her. She cheerfully kept him trapped on the other side of the room, preventing his increasingly obvious attempts to get back to the disaster area and _do something_. Finally she had tucked his arm into hers, refused to let go and had told him that she understood his discomfort at seeing his father connecting with a woman not his mother, but wasn't it time, 8 years later? Now that he was nearly an adult, didn't he want to see his dad seeking potential happiness by flirting and getting used to romance again?

Yes, he did, why did she think he'd orchestrated the whole charade? It was supposed to be _her! _Her, his ticket to Finn! Thankfully he managed to keep from blurting this particular truth out.

And then she'd smiled warmly at him (why not at his father?) and said he shouldn't worry: she'd known Debbie Puckerman for a long time and his dad could do much worse.

Deborah _Puckerman_.

Kurt hadn't fainted. He chose to categorize the following loss of time, before he came to Ms. Hudson waving her hands in front of his face, as short-term catatonia.


	2. Denial, I Hear France is Nice

**A/N: **Thank you for the Alerts and Favs! I think I'm not seeing them all (according to FF this story still has 0 hits) and I get error messages when I try checking statistics. There are several email-notifications however: at least I know people can actually read this. So thanks for doing just that. How about reviewing next time?

And speaking of: Nefarious61 and dark waffles, thanks for being my first reviewers on this story: I very much appreciate it. Hope you enjoy this one too!

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><p><strong>PuckmelHummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family**

**Chapter 2**

When he had regained his wits somewhat Kurt had desperately reassured himself that _this_ Ms. Puckerman had clearly in no way, shape or form spawned _Noah "Puck" Puckerman_. Puck, McKinley's very own - admittedly not just self-proclaimed - stud and badass, soap opera semi-villain starring opposite Finn's tragic hero in WMHS's production of "Babygate", football Titan (he still was unsure what positions other than kicker and quarterback existed; Puck did something on the offense, with _Finn_, that involved running or rushing or mowing down other players or something), Gleek and Kurt's now pretty disinterested in him ex-nemesis.

She had to be there in relation to somebody else: Puck's attendance records pointed firmly against much parental involvement and PTN wasn't exactly heavily frequented. Just because he didn't know anybody else among his class mates named Puckerman didn't mean-

... Alright.

There was only so much denial Kurt could engage in at one time, and he was already very busy ignoring Finn's sexuality (everyone knew these things were fluid, honestly!). Chances were his Dad _was_ right now flirting with _Puck's mother_. Hell to the NO, as Mercedes would say!

He would simply make clear that all his speeches about Dad moving forward and finding new love had been really, really hypothetic and in no way meant to be taken seriously. Also, premature by about 5 years. Burt's only child was not in the least equipped to deal with a new woman in the Hummels life. _Especially _if she came with an obnoxious son whose only value besides a, granted, very nice voice and a distracting amount of stage presence was perhaps being cast in bronze as a decorative but blessedly immobile and silent statue. Possibly one of those ancient Greek things without the head... He could deal with a Puck only consisting of muscled bronzed torso.

The one silver lining to a disastrous evening had been that they had left WMHS without his Dad having gotten a date with Ms. Puckerman. He had been so relieved! Dad hadn't said anything about _Deborah _the next day and Kurt had taken that as a good sign. He decided to not mention her or any woman (Carole would just remind Dad of PTN now, ergo of Ms. Puckerman which had to be avoided at all cost) and overhaul Operation: Snag Finn.

His capacity for denial unfortunately turned out bigger than estimated. Consequently he had been totally blind-sided. His dad hadn't talked about Ms. Puckerman because the traitor had been too busy wooing her into a first date, and then dating her, and basking in the glow of youngish love, of all bile-inducing things.

A love that had now left them sitting at the Hummel kitchen table where he had confessed - oh, Burt might have thought of it in terms of "announced" or "happily declared" but Kurt was having none of it – that "Hey, did he remember Deborah from parent-teacher-night? Guess what, Burt had taken Kurt's words to heart and taken a chance. He and Deborah were dating, he hoped they might be serious and it was all thanks to Kurt!"

And what could Kurt say to that? "Sorry, I didn't really have _your_ happiness in mind; it would have been more of a byproduct. _I _wanted to get closer to the love of my life. Thanks for messing that up!" No. He had no choice but sit there and listen and smile (pained, he couldn't muster a better one) and watch his Dad be happy, hopeful, earnest and disgustingly chipper.

Dad showed no sign of shutting up any time soon. How he couldn't remember being so happy for a long time, since Elisabeth died actually. How Burt would always love his Mom, but now, for the first time, he felt he might be able to love again. How she liked Mellenkamp too (as if that was a selling point! More like a warning sign.) but also the stuff Kurt loved, Barbra and Celine _Dillon_ and so on.  
>Oh, and Kurt shouldn't make plans for Saturday evening because then they all wanted go out, get to know each other and celebrate their new relationship: the Hummels and the Puckermans together! Well, not Deborah's mother. But her children would of course come: one was even Kurt's age, wasn't that cool? Did he know them by chance? Kurt hadn't managed to stop his gasp of horror: there were <em>more <em>besides Puck? What had he done to deserve this? Just because he had set all this in motion didn't mean he should reap the consequences. How was that fair? He might as well suicide now via nail file to escape a fate worse than death.

But his Dad was looking so excited and happy, waiting for Kurt to rejoice with him. So Kurt had weakly affirmed the date from hell. What else could he do? Working on his new Snag Finn Hudson-campaign, but even that wasn't lifting his spirits. Or went well... He just wasn't feeling creative and he would have to be to pry Finn away from Rachel "All Broadway Songs Are MINE" Berry.

Four days till Saturday: it felt like a sinister final countdown. Maybe he could sing about that in Glee? Shue loved 80s hard rock, it might give him brownie points when he _finally _would claim his well-deserved solo featuring a Broadway classic. Though the hair band's song was way too uplifting to illustrate the impending tragedy his existence would become.

But to focus back on his about to be destroyed life: maybe it wasn't too late to join the French Foreign Legion? Sure, the sun would be hell on his complexion, he hated sports and physical exertion other than dancing and loathed any military looks not designer-created and equivalently prized... But at least he spoke the language, and didn't they let teenagers enlist? He could have a few exotic and adventurous years in the famous army, surrounded by hunky young men, before returning to civilian life to become a fashion critic for French Vogue and live with his model boyfriend, who could be an ex Foreign Legionnaire too, in a charming apartment in Paris with a front row view of the Eiffel Tower...

Or he could conveniently become sick. He might get lucky googling "devastating illness" + "easy to fake"+ "not requiring surgery" and come up with something. Granted, it wouldn't stop the relationship from hell. But it would postpone the date from hell. Maybe there was something chronic he could suffer from? Just until he and Finn shared their student dorm in New York or San Francisco? And Puck was on his way to take the sex industry by storm or blood-dope himself for some college athletic team? Or whatever he wanted to do with his life, far far away from Kurt. Preferably in another galaxy.

And while he was already thinking of the walking fashion crime: _he_ had no problems to be conveniently indisposed for a variety of classes and get away with it. Worse: he miraculously seemed to pass these classes, despite being absent 80% of the time! So it should be easy for Kurt who was undeniably superior, cleverer, more sophisticated and just _better, _to throw something together.

On the other hand: was he really willing to worry his Dad like that? Especially if he went with something chronic? He knew his father had been badly scarred by his Mom's deadly illness and decline. Could he really exploit those fears? The answer was as obvious as it was unhelpful. Damn.


	3. Realizations Yes, It Could Be Worse

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family**

or **Puckmel TaT** as I've come to abbreviate the thing in my mind.

_Mariekjepower, Happily ever after all_ and _anon_: thank you all for the kind words and encouragement!

Thank you especially _Dark waffles_ for reviewing 2 for 2 – it's very much appreciated.

Special kudos also to _Nefarious61_! Thanks a lot for your support. Though now you give me performance anxiety ^_~ re quality of dialogue. I hope I'll do spoken Kurt justice too: he isn't quite as unabashedly bitchy and egomaniac there since he does have some social grace and cares about how people, adults especially, perceive him. Now _Puck_ on the other hand...

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

Wait, did _Puck_ know about their parents' descent into romantic insanity? If yes, what did he think about this? Kurt wasn't delusional enough to believe that the jock would be even one iota more enthusiastic than him. Maybe he had a clever idea how to stop this? Preferably without Kurt looking like a villain, or a heartbroken Burt. Puck could be pretty devious when he felt like it. Kurt would know...

Maybe he could talk his mother out of pursuing a relationship with Kurt's dad? He'd read somewhere that in single mothers with son family units the son often would take on some "man of the house"-responsibilities. (Why yes, he had researched on Finn and his familial circumstances. He wasn't _obsessed_, just- thorough. His deep understanding would ease the transition into Finn's life, after he had eased into his heart. And pants.) Perhaps Puck's objection would have weight that Kurt's sadly didn't have with his own parental unit...

And if he _didn't_ know- Oh god, if Puck didn't know, Kurt might as well vanish into witness protection after Saturday evening! Because he just knew who Puck would blame for all this (correctly admittedly, but he couldn't _know_ that, could he?) and who would be used as Puck's personal whipping boy to vent his anger.

His current life near the bottom – but higher than Rachel! - of the social hierarchy at McKinley would be a freaking picnic compared to what Puck could unleash on him if he felt like it. He still ruled parts of the football team, could command minions, and was able to intimidate Jacob Ben Israel into making up stories (no one could make Jewfro _not_ publish an item though, he was surprisingly fearless about that or maybe it was part of his otherwise non-existent journalist ethics) or worse, publish true ones.

And if he got his girl Santana - because love-hate or not, Puckerman and Lopez had major history and they did stick up for each other in their own weird way - to join in the fun... Santana, enviable looks and quick wit or not, was a capital B Bitch, as much as he loathed the slur, even more vicious than she was beautiful. Her parents probably had a hunch when they gave her a name so very close to Satan: dead birds falling from the sky when she'd been born or the church doors slamming closed when they'd approached for the christening. Not even the girls bathroom would be safe haven for him anymore if Santana went after him. He'd take on Quinn anytime over La Lopez. "Q" was oddly honest and straightforward about her bullying of him: he found her style somehow easier to take. And didn't it say something about his life that he could make an informed choice about his preferred brand of bullying? It said the universe was out to get him and crush him before he ever finished high school, he was sure.

So far, even at his worst, Puck had kept the bullying strictly non-violent. Even the dumpster tosses had been executed somewhat carefully: Kurt knew for a fact that Puck had one of his goons check for dangerous content before every single toss or did it himself. He had no intention of being arrested for GBH or make national news for impaling the queer kid in the trash due to something stupid like a dumpster dive gone bad. The jock was clever like that; it was one of the reasons why Puck and Finn (_he_ was always looking uncomfortable about his participation though. And he smiled at Kurt, and held his jackets or bags sometimes!) had never been punished when they'd gone after Kurt.

If Puck decided to take up _literal_ Kurt-bashing- Kurt felt bile rising. He barely made it to the bathroom before he started to hurl. After he was finished his throat hurt and he felt legitimately ill. A glance in the mirror after rinsing his mouth confirmed that he looked pale and sweaty, with unattractive red splotches as accents. Sadly he didn't blush, he splotched hectically and prominently: the drawback of an extremely light complexion. Puck of course had picked up on it as well as on Kurt's embarrassment about it and had delighted in bringing it forth. At least he was in private this time.

Kurt had always put on a strong, haughty façade for his tormentors. And even though _he_ knew _Puck_ knew it for a front, it had given him strength and reassurance that he wasn't broken. He still retained his self-respect. This, high school, would pass and he'd go on to bigger, better things. Fantasizing about his bullies being stuck here in low-end jobs after school, while he would have a career somewhere glamorous also helped. But he really didn't think he could cope with being physically abused. He again felt nausea at the very idea.

It would be even worse now - after months of being left alone and feeling reasonably safe at school. Months where he didn't bring sets of clothing with him, where he dared to wear his favorite pieces trusting they would remain unsullied, where he didn't need to put icepacks on his bruises after school, where he didn't look compulsively over his shoulder as soon as he left the relative sanctity of class rooms. Glee had given him a friend in Mercedes. But it had also given him some measure of safety courtesy of the joining A-list crowd. And it hadn't just been the newly joined "glocks" stopping their bullying: the rest of the school - other than the hockey-players with their epic feud against the football Titans stepping it up - had followed the popular kids in regards of ignoring vs. attacking him, dwindling power due to glee and babydrama or not.

He had experienced months where he had sung and occasionally even joked with Puck instead of being mocked (Kurt wouldn't let on _ever_ but of the many things one could accuse Puck of - being slow witted wasn't among them: he was excellent at the unflattering but dead on one-liners and a keen observer) and they had sometimes commiserated about Shue's music choices, impromptu performances, raps and teaching lessons of the week. Puck could be viciously funny and, if he felt more merciful, plain funny. It was hilarious if one wasn't on the wrong end of his sarcastic observations. Kurt had never allowed himself to fully relax and let his guard down around him. Just as he hadn't done with Mike, mysteriously silent Matt, Quinn, Santana and Brittany. Or Rachel, who while not part of the cool kids _obviously,_ was an annoying and utterly ruthless rival. Even with Finn he couldn't quite do it - yet. But there had been moments of camaraderie. Moments when he had truly felt like part of the whole group, not just of the original "freaks" they started out with.

To lose all this after everything, to go back to being scared, humiliated would be devastating. He didn't have the emotional defenses of last year anymore, no matter how careful he had maintained some distance.

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><p>Next up: Kurt tries to survive a talk with Puck despite mentioning dangerous words in potentially explosive combinations like "your mom", "my dad" and "dating"...<p> 


	4. The Dreaded Talk

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family**

Thank you _Mariekjepower. Jenn, Charon and Faia Sakura _for your kind words!

**A/N:** This chapter is longer than the previous ones but I doubt you'll complain. Actually, the next few chapters will all be longer. And it'll probably stay that way.

Anyone know why FFnet attempts to eat my punctuation and also whole sentences I edited in twice (ha!), four times now? Weird. And really annoying!

**Alright readers, here's the deal: FFnet refuses to let me post some sentences - theyt just don't show up no matter how often they appear correctly in the saved doc upload! I had them as sentences without spaces - as Kurt gasps them out in one breath. I had them as smaller sentences. I spaced them differently. FFnet refuses to show them. So I'm giving up: I'll edit _again _and put them normally. Please use your fertile imagination and picture Kurt vomiting them out in one breath. Do that for me? It's the part before the one run-on sentence FFnet accepts for some reason: ... **Pleasedon'thurtme!" Crap. That hadn't come out right.

**Thanks! And sorry for the hassle**.** And the A/N within the text: I cringed typing.**

Kurt tries to survive a talk with Puck despite mentioning dangerous words in potentially explosive combinations like "your mom", "my dad" and "dating". Wish him luck! Or not, angst-fans ^_~

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

Kurt decided to brave Puck on Thursday after their shared US history AP; Puck usually showed up for it (if only to use the time to do homework he needed later that day). That way Puck would hopefully have calmed down by the time Glee started... Also, he was running out of time to tell.

He had to wait a few minutes until Brittany finished her flirt with Puck at his locker, then inched forward.

"Hi, Puck."

The boy in question looked baffled to be approached by one of McKinley's official losers outside of class or Glee. He didn't answer either, just cocked his brow.

"Uh, before we proceed - promise you won't hurt me."

"... No way. I don't make blind promises."

Great, 15 seconds into the conversation and they were at a stalemate. Kurt suddenly noticed that Puck wasn't even staring down at him anymore. He'd turned around and was walking away. Damn! He jogged after him.

"I really need to talk to you."

"Yeah? Talk."

This wasn't going at all like he thought it would. It wasn't even going like his less desirable scenarios went! He couldn't tell Puck in the middle of a crowded hallway. Also, he'd rather be humiliated or attacked somewhere more private if Puck felt he had to, Kurt was particular like that. And he felt like an idiot or lapdog hastening alongside Puck without a clue to where.

"I notice you're not talking."

"Where are we going? I think we could use some privacy."

Puck shoved open what Kurt realized belatedly was the boys locker room. _After_ he'd followed in like Puck had him on a leash. Thankfully it was mostly deserted. Boys weren't ever happy about sharing with him. Even before the corset...

"_I'm_ going for weight training. No idea what you're doing."

Puck opened his locker and started changing without any apparent qualm about Kurt being within 10 feet of him. That wasn't something that happened often to Kurt. Weird. He'd always thought of Puck as a raging homophobic despite the lack of actual f-slurs used. On the other hand he never seemed to have a problem with manhandling Kurt into dumpsters and the occasional locker. That was highly unusual for the guys harassing him who thought they'd catch his 'gay' if they interacted physically with him. Like during PE or simply by standing next to him in some state of undress, in locker rooms for instance... Why was Puck so nonchalant about it?

"That was a not so subtle prompt to start talking by the way. Is this about Glee?"

Kurt hastily averted his eyes from Puck's exposed broad shoulders. He was a brainless jock. Kurt shouldn't be flustered by someone whose whole life seemed geared towards working out and having sex using the body he got working out. And possibly playing guitar with that forearms and hands. He needed to get himself together. Now! While they were actually alone in here after the other boys had left.

"What do you do on Saturday?"

"Duh, practice, what else? And some kinda family thing my mom conned me into. Why?"

Suddenly Puck looked horrified. "You're not trying to ask _me_ out while your perving after Hudson doesn't work, are you? Cause I'm not homo enough for that! Or, like, _at all_. G-d," he actually shuddered! "Even if I were bi by some fluke, you'd be so far from my type you might as well be Martian."

What? How dare he? As if Kurt would ever- He didn't even find Puck attractive! Okay, besides a body part or five on its own in a completely non-Puck-related capacity. He couldn't be held responsible for that. He wasn't _blind_. Everything about Puck that wasn't his body more than served to not attract him, like at all. His personality, case in point, couldn't be more off-putting if he tried. And how dare he say Kurt was not good looking enough for Puck's standards?

"No! No. You're not my type either, thank god. And I'm _not_ 'perving' on Finn! Why would you think that?"

"Uh, on account of _not being blind_, moron! You're about as discreet as Rachel - and twice as creepy about it and that's saying something, given _her_ crazy. I wonder how Finn attracts you swim fans. I'm just waiting for Jewfro to join you nutcases too... Maybe he secretes some kinda pheromone stalkers get turned on by?"

"I haven't been close enough yet to smell him real- never mind! I mean, I'm not a stalker! Or stalking Finn. Or in love with Finn." Oh god, why did he say that? "Or thinking Finn's attractive. Not that I'm saying he isn't. I'm not anything really that isn't just being Glee-mates. Completely platonic. Like we are. Obviously. You're deluded. You should cut down on the steroids, Puck, they're not good for you."

"I'm not taking 'roids. They shrink your junk, even _Finn_ knows that. And mine's in prime condition. If anyone here shows sign of using 'roids it's you - freakishly high voice in guys is a typical sign. Just ask Shane... Though your scrawny body pretty much screams you're clean. And these guns are _aaall_ natural." Puck flexed in demonstration. "Also, that stuff is crazy expensive," he added helpfully.

How had they gotten so far off-track? Hell, he hadn't even gotten _on_ track before the whole thing derailed. Why did Puck have to be so difficult? Why did nothing ever go like Kurt wanted it to?

(**A/N** FF-bug here: the following said quickly in one giant breath by Kurt to get it over with:)

"Your mom and my dad are dating. Each other! They want us all to meet Saturday. Pleasedon'thurtme!" Crap. That hadn't come out right.

"What?"

Puck clearly repeated Kurt's word vomit in his mind, with spacing of individual words this time.

"... Care to repeat that?"

No, Kurt didn't care to. Right now he cared about leaving. Quickly. Puck slammed his locker closed and Kurt jumped.

"Are you trying to be funny with me?"

Suddenly Puck was right in his face. How had he moved so fast? Someone made a pathetic sound, like a squeak. Why hadn't he noticed how tall Puck was when he'd handled him into the dumpster all those times? Kurt's back hit the closed door. How had he gotten there? He couldn't remember moving.

It didn't matter because Kurt wasn't moving on his own anymore: Puck had him by his cardigan, yanked him forward and then slammed him against the door again. Kurt's feet weren't on the ground anymore. He scrambled for purchase but only managed to skim his toes over the ground. Also, he couldn't breathe. He grabbed onto Puck's forearms, trying to remove his grip. It was like trying to shift a tectonic plate.

With the clarity of panic Kurt suddenly remembered when he'd seen Puck's face looking like it was right now: intense and frighteningly disengaged at the same time...

It had happened in the middle of freshman year. The big hockey player had stormed towards Puckerman where he flirted with a pretty Asian Cheerio near Kurt, screaming about ending him for sleeping with his girlfriend. Kurt had, with a mix of fear and vindictiveness, thought that _finally_ Puck would know how it felt to be publicly bullied and humiliated. The enraged boy had thrown a punch which Puck had nearly managed to duck, resulting in only a glancing blow. And then it had all happened incredibly fast: Puck had grabbed the junior's arm, twisted, did something himself and the muscular boy had sailed through the air before landing hard on his stomach. Puck had wrenched his trapped arm up at what looked like a brutal angle, rammed a knee into his back and used his free hand to fist it into the other's hair, slamming his face into the floor with a sickening crunch. Kurt had seen the blood pooling on the floor and nearly lost his lunch. Then Puck made the blubbering boy _thank him for fucking his girlfriend and finally giving her the first orgasm she didn't have to fake_ - out loud, for the whole hallway to hear. He'd dismounted from his attacker turned victim, and sauntered away with the shell-shocked Cheerio on his arm, but not before stepping on the junior's neck and grinding his face into the ground again. The guy - another of Kurt's casual tormentors so he wasn't feeling particularly sympathetic - had ended up with a dislocated shoulder and a broken nose. The whole thing had happened in a minute and then spread like wildfire across the school.

Puck with his looks, athleticism and sex appeal had already been one of the most popular kids in their year. Now he was feared too. Rumors had exploded: a delegation of four Cheerios had offered him head and Puck, instead of choosing one, had made them all give him a blowjob before declaring a winner. The fact that a very smug Santana Lopez had been glued to his side - and onto his lap - from that day on led some credence to the rumor. At practice that day the whole football team had supposedly prostrated themselves in awe of his supreme "badassness" and for putting a rival jock from the loathed hockey team into place. Puck suddenly having a place at the coveted #1 jock table (taking Finn with him) seemed to back that one up too. The cool freshie had become McKinley's bad boy prince, courted and warily respected by older students. Students parted like the Red Sea for him, boys lower in the hierarchy (practically everyone their age and a good deal of the sophomores) didn't look him in the eye unless Puck told them to, fellow freshmen brought him his lunch to the table (Kurt had that duty once or twice and it had been mortifying: he'd felt like everyone was waiting and hoping for a mistake that would get him humiliated or beaten. Puck had just ignored him for whatever conquest or fellow jock he sat with; aside from the regular dumpstering and the occasional slushie Kurt seemed beneath his notice.), girls and nerds (for very different reasons) offered to do his homework...

And most incredibly he'd gotten away with it: Kurt wasn't sure if it was that the hockey guy had attacked first, that nobody talked to teachers, that the boy or his parents didn't press charges, that the football jocks ruled the school, that the hockey team was universally loathed, that it looked very uncool to admit to have been beaten up by someone three years younger who had stolen your girl... Whatever it was, it had resulted in the whole thing being swept under the rug.

For _Kurt_ it had resulted in a whole new level of anxiety: was this what Puck would do next, _to him?_ With the whole school looking on, laughing and gossiping about it, worshipping the jock for hospitalizing the effeminate freak? He had lived in fear for weeks, taking great care to stay out of Puck's sight and, when he couldn't, to not antagonize him. When Puck had finally searched him out again (Kurt carefully didn't think about Finn leading the group right next to Puck. His Finn was better than that: hadn't he chastised Puck for checking him into the lockers that one time? He probably was just scared of opposing his bad boy friend. Finn just hid it really well.) it had been for the usual though: a dumpster dive when his goons had declared the dumpster Kurt-ready after inspecting it.

In fact he never had seen Puck using violence to bully. There were occasional rumors of fights about girls, yes, but those were exclusively with other jocks - not with his usual victims consisting of McKinley's quickly established losers. Still, he had never quite forgotten what Puck _could_ do if he felt like it...

And now he _was_ doing it. To Kurt. He tried to speak, to explain, to- he didn't know, he was getting light-headed. Suddenly he could breathe again and his tailbone hurt. From abruptly landing on the floor. Puck loomed over him. He needed to act quickly.

"It's true! I'm not trying anything! I saw them and my dad told me. I thought you should know! I swear I didn't have anything to do with it!" Alright, so now he was an oath breaker. Whatever, he needed to be _alive._ He was reasonably sure the risk of becoming an undead restless spirit or whatever Lord of the Ring or the law threatened oath breakers with was far smaller than the risk an enraged Puck posed. "I'm just as shocked-," okay, Puck looked more like _pissed, _"as you are! I-I wasn't sure if you knew and I really thought you should. Before Saturday, you know. When we have this stupid family get-together."

Puck stared down at him. His face still looked emotionless, his eyes large, dark and intense. Kurt had a feeling that wasn't necessarily a good thing. He didn't try to get up.

"Okay. Back up. Start from the beginning." Oh, thank god. "Now!"

Kurt did. Well, the edited beginning. The one without him sending his father after Carole Hudson.

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><p>Next chapter: Puck, and he'll be broody and angsty to make up for Kurt's lack of serious angst-commitment so far. He's also <em>a lot<em> more proactive than Kurt about stopping this dating nonsense - but then: he has more to lose. It will be up this week too!


	5. Objection Overruled

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family AKA Puckmel TaT**

Thanks a lot for the great feedback_ kristendotcom! _I'm very, very careful in incorporating all the canon tidbits and in explaining some of the more WTF-moments and throw-away lines in a halfway realistic way which can be really hard work given some of the stuff the writers used. So it's awesome you noticed! And yeah, my Puck is bad ass and has a definite darker side: you can't be the feared bad boy ruling the school at the beginning in canon without actually _doing_ stuff to earn your rep...

And thanks to_ Faia Sakura _for being so fast in pointing out FFnet's stupid bug still acting up.

**FFnet eating stuff: I still can't finish sentences with question _and_ exclamation marks apparently (or never could, on review) - anyone has an idea what that is about?**

Puck is not amused. He intents to let the responsible parental unit know. And you get a glimpse or two of _his_ view of Kurt in general and his actions re Finn in particular. Also, school is for losers who have nothing better to do and Figgins' attendance monitoring is - uh, sub-optimal.

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

He couldn't believe it! No fucking way! Kurt was delusional. Or suicidal, trying to play a prank on Puck _involving his family_. He'd make the little shit's remaining high school days living hell in that case. No one messed with his family and got away with it. He punched a locker for therapeutic reasons, get rid of some of the tightly coiled energy building up, making a few losers jump.

But why would Hummel lie about this shit? He had looked suitably terrified when Puck went after him. As he should. For a moment Puck had even thought the kid had peed his ridiculously tight pants, though that proved a false alarm thankfully. At least Hummel seemed to have decent bladder control even while being as unmanly as one could be while still technically counting as male...

And Kurt had stopped antagonizing him the last few months they'd been in Glee together: shutting up about everyone bigger and more athletically inclined than himself - 90% of the school basically - being "brainless Neanderthals", that snotty shit about "you're all gonna work for me" as if the kid has somehow a monopole on instant stardom post-high school or a multi-million dollar trust fund just waiting to be inherited and bragging non-stop about his insane clothing budget. So why would he pull crap like this now? After several months of Glee-induced truce? Especially something that Puck could easily verify...

There was no way he was gonna hang around this lameass joint until he had cleared the whole thing up. He ditched chem (actually one of the few classes he enjoyed: it was sanctioned mayhem and learning how to explode, burn or corrode things under a teacher's guidance who had more than a dash of the crazy scientist in him, what was not to like?) and strode over to his new (well, old technically, but _his_ new) truck he'd gotten this summer. Time for a 'visit your parent's work place' interlude. He gripped the wheel unnecessarily tightly while driving but managed to keep to the speed limit.

He was still fired up - or again - when he stalked into Lima Memorial, barely having enough patience to flirt with the cute thing at the desk on his Ma's ward to get her location.

"Noah! What are you doing here? Why aren't you at scho-"

"Are you seeing someone, Mom?" he interrupted her.

"You came here, skipping class I imagine, to ask me this? Why couldn't it wait until after work - and after school for you?" Apparently his mom clued in that he was ready and willing to make a scene right here at work because she hurriedly pulled him into a staff room and continued, "Yes, I've been seeing someone for a while. It's why I told you to come home after practice on Saturday - so you and Sarah can meet him and his boy."

"Tell me his name isn't Hummel!"

"It is. Burt Hummel: he owns Hummel's Tire & Lube. How do you know? We met at your parent-teacher night. Why?"

"_Why?_ 'Cause I just found out from his son, the school freak, that _his dad is dating my mom! _Color me fucking shocked!"

"Language Noah! His son was there when we met, actually. He seemed perfectly pleasant, if a bit hectic and oddly fixated on Carole Hudson."

Puck sneered, "Yeah, what a surprise - Hummel obsessed with Finn's mom. _I wonder why?_" he snorted. "You know - that snotty kid I told you about, the one that spends more on clothes in a year than we pay mortgage? The one always bragging about his dad's business and sneering how 'someday we Neanderthals are all gonna work for him'? The fairy perving after Finn, stalking him? That's him!"

Puck talked right on when his mom opened her mouth to say something; he wasn't finished. "So, no - I'm not okay with you taking up with his stupid father! End it."

"That's enough, Noah! You do _not_ dictate my love life. I'm your parent, not the other way round!"

"Yeah well, maybe I should! Since you do so well on your own. Last time, _you_ didn't pay for choosing some scum bag, _again_ - Sarah did!"

His mother reared back as if slapped. She put her hand in front of her mouth. Her stricken face nearly made him feel bad for bringing it up. Nearly.

They never really talked about it again, after. Puck had been thirteen when he'd found Ma's last - until now - attempt at a boyfriend touching his sister. Sarah had been six. When the red haze left, Puck had broken the guy's arm, nose, cheekbone, jaw and a few rips. He'd also damaged the freak's junk permanently. There hadn't been any consequences for him: the Lima police had practically made him their mascot (it had been the start of his weird relationship with the local law enforcement as the juvenile delinquent with friends on the force: they'd often looked away when it came to his exploits) for taking the scum bag on. And it had been in defense of a child, by a child. They also could finally nail the freak down after finding his stash of child porn - not of his baby sis, thank g-d, he hadn't gotten that far - linking him to other children, in addition to getting Sarah's and Puck's statements. The freak wasn't out again yet, though he was apparently still alive according to his friends from law, despite having had a deservedly fucking hard time with his inmates. He still savagely hoped being raped frequently featured into the child molester's everyday activities. And no, he didn't feel bad about wishing that on someone: scum deserved it.

His mom's voice was shaky and small when she finally said, "You're right. What happened to your sister, what she nearly had to suffer through: that's on me. And it was on you to save her from it, thank the Good Lord. That you had to protect Sarah, that you had to go through this, that's on me too. I'll always be grateful to you for it. And I'll never forgive myself for being so careless about who I let into our family. For not noticing earlier. There's a reason there wasn't a man in my life since then - other than you, my son."

His mother took a shuddering breath, composing herself and looking determined.

"But Noah, Burt's not like that! He's a good man. Do you honestly think Kurt is being abused by his dad? You said it yourself: if anything, he spoils his child too much. And I was careful this time: I didn't just invite him into our family out of loneliness or infatuation. We've been meeting on neutral ground and going slow. We've been waiting for all of us to meet, for the right time. So that you could see too, get to know him." She sighed. "I should've told you earlier that I was seeing someone. You're old enough," Ma smiled, a bit shakily, "you're even going to be a father yourself!"

"Yeah, about that: you've been giving me crap about knocking up a shiksa all this time. You wouldn't have been nagging nearly as much if I'd gotten Rachel freaking Berry or half-Chang preggo instead of Quinn. Admit it. Shit,"

"Noah!"

"-you compared me to the freaking Nazis for just sleeping with non-Jewish girls! Nazis running concentration camps! And now _you're_ taking up with a Gentile? One from German stock to top it off? _Like, seriously? _WTF, Ma?"

"Please Noah, language. I can't help but want to see Jewish grandchildren from you and your sister. Is that so wrong?"

She hugged him and _he_ couldn't help but relent slightly and pat her back when she laid her head against his chest. She looked up at him, cupping his jaw.

"But I'm really sorry about saying that; you know how emotional Schindler's List makes me. The wine with the migraine meds probably didn't help... Of course you're not like a Nazi! I can't believe you took that to heart. It was such a foolish remark. Oh Noah, I'm so sorry. It was a terribly thoughtless thing to say. As for Burt's heritage... I would have loved if he were Jewish! But I've come to accept that there are more important qualities in a man than his ethnicity and religion. It's not like we'll be having any children together. But Noah, you _do_ know that from Grandma Connie's side we come from 'German stock' too, do you? It's a German Jewish family line, but German nonetheless. She spoke German with you when you were little, remember? She taught you even."

"I thought that was Yiddish."

"She spoke Yiddish with you, but German too. ... Please, Noah, give him a chance, will you? I haven't been happier with a man since your 7th birthday. Please allow me this second chance. Don't you think I deserve a bit of happiness and security too after these last _terrible, lonely_ years?"

Oh great, now she used the Jewish mom specialty, guilt. Just what he needed.

"I promise to listen if you have concerns, _valid concerns_," she hastened to add, seeing him gearing up to veto the relationship right now, "_after_ you've met them. I'm not trying to get you a father, Noah - though the Good Lord knows you could need one," she added not quite under her breath, "I know you're too old for that. But don't you think Sarah could use a stable male figure in her live? You do so much for her - perhaps more than I should saddle you with - but you can't replace an adult, not yet. And you shouldn't have to! Burt isn't like any man I've been with before. I really think this will work, for me and for us. But I _will _listen if you have concerns not just involving a spoiled kid who's living in another house. I'm sure you can stay out of each other's way as you do at school."

"I wish," he grunted.

"Let's see what Saturday brings, alright? Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Hah! Sure. Right after Kurt voluntarily started to sing non-Broadway songs originally sung by actual guys. Or someone finally called St. Finn on cheating on Quinn with Rachel before she'd cheated on him with, well, _him_. And Quinn publicly admitted that _she _had called _Puck_ over to her place and made the first pass after ranting half an hour about Finn (and Sue for some reason, and her weight). Not gonna happen.

The door opened, "Deborah, where are the resu- Oh, hello, Noah! Everything alright? You're not coming from the ER again, are you?"

"Hey, Doctor Gallagher. Naw, I'm fine, wasn't that kind of emergency. Sorry for keeping my mom from you, I'll be on my way."

"That's alright, son. Win the game on Friday will you? My brother's in town, so we'll all be going to see Chad play. Honestly, if I hear about how superior his sons' team is one more time I might resort to fratricide. I'd like to avoid that."

"Ouch. Yeah, I'll do my best Doc."

His ma pulled his head down and kissed his cheek. "Go right back to school Noah, alright?"

"Yeah, sure Ma."

Well, it had been _nearly_ right back. What was the point of showing up halfway through a lesson anyway? Just made your absence more fucking obvious.

He had contemplated getting out of the "date". For hours on end. _After_ working out his frustration the usual way: with the help of a kinky, smoking hot Cheerio with a loser-boyfriend who had no clue how to please a chick. He hadn't been in the mood for Santana and her barbs (bad credit rating his ass! Did she know how many 16 year olds even _had_ a credit rating? Yeah, not everyone got sponsored by daddy) despite how hot she was in bed and it was too early for cougar-season yet. And fight club wasn't for another week so non-erotic anger management had been out.

If it was so damn important to them that both families met before proceeding - with whatever, he thought annoyed - being absent would stop the relationship in its course, at least slow it down... He could simply go AWOL; lay low at Santana's or Matt's or shit. Of course then his ma would be furious and nag him non-stop again, just when he'd finally caught a break. Maybe she was doing that deliberately, laying off to soften him up for the meet? He wouldn't put it past his mom. She was manipulative enough to do it.

Perhaps he could bribe Quinn to fake a baby-emergency he had to run off to. If he made sure to emphasize how much it would piss his ma off Quinn might be game. Even if she hated his guts... She disliked his mom more. But he couldn't see a way to stop the damn thing without his mom in tears and laying on the guilt, or furious and laying on the guilt. Anyhow, guilt would feature and he hated that shit, even when he knew perfectly well that she played him. Ma _had_ been happier and more relaxed the last few weeks. Less depressed, less stressed out. Was he really willing to destroy that without even trying to give her a chance? Or at least _appearing_ to? ... Fuck.

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><p><strong>AN:** a 'shiksa' is a slang term for a non-Jewish woman. It has negative connotations and is not someone many conservative Jewish mothers would want their only sons to marry. This is partly because traditionally being Jewish is inherited through the maternal line: having a Jewish _mother_ makes you Jewish.

Short explanation re Puck and his lack of distinctly homophobic thoughts other than deriding Kurt's lack of traditional masculinity: I'm not going to whitewash him - or any character - in any way (that would be boring for one thing and nearly everyone's deeply flawed in canon) but interestingly Puck canonically has made quite a few homophobic remarks at the start of the show: **to and about friend and fellow jock Finn!** And regarding Glee, the club and activity in general. Not to or about Kurt Hummel, the in your face flamboyant kid so obviously queer-appearing!  
>He was rude to him, he was dismissive and he threw him into dumpsters twice (once with Finn, once with random minions - with Mr. Shue actually cheering them on: "Go, Titans!" WTF. Even <em>Puck<em> looked uncomfortable about Shue's explicit approval, because no teacher can be that blind or stupid - unless they want to be. I wonder what skeletons Will has in his closet, given his often blatantly unfair treatment of Kurt for quite some time. We also can safely assume the dumpstering happened quite a few times before "Pilot"...). Puck clearly didn't like him. However he didn't call Kurt names or the f-slur, not once. Compare his language and behavior to Kurt at his worst with Azimio and Karofsky even in season 1 regarding homophobic slurs or threats due to being gay: it's a startling contrast. It seemed that Puck honestly didn't care about Kurt pretty obviously batting for the same team. Kurt was a victim like the other straight "losers" or "freaks" low in the WMHS hierarchy, sexual orientation didn't seem to factor. If Puck actively disliked him it was probably for other reasons. He didn't want to do "girly/unmanly stuff" Kurt initiated. However that's not homophobia - and he was just as opposed when those ideas came from the girls or Shue.  
>But he certainly didn't want his bro Finn to be into guys! He was rather vocal about it. Puck hounded and confronted Finn about his supposed lack of straight and was consistent about it: even in season 2 he still honestly thought Finn might come out! And was less than enthusiastic... Though not quite as unenthusiastic as about selfish religious fanatic!Finn ^_~ Which is quite interesting. Did he fear it would changedestroy an already severely threatened friendship? Did he fear Finn crushing on _him?_ Did he have experience with a friendship imploding due to a friend admitting feelings for him? Food for thought. Any ideas or speculations, readers?

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><p>Next up: When Families Collide or Saturday Night's a Night for - Fighting?<p> 


	6. Saturday Night's for Fighting

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family AKA Puckmel TaT**

Thank you _Mariekjepower, Kim and Serene80 _for review and encouragement! Also everyone for the favs and alerts, I appreciate it. Unfortunately the frequency of updates depends on my annoying need to also earn a living, so daily or hourly updates aren't anywhere in the future ^_^

For those interested I've put a profile of the main players, where they come from emotionally and what I took and disregarded from canon for this tale on my profile page.

The outfit Kurt wears BTW is actually inspired by some of the less fortunate existing fashion designs of that year...

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 <strong>

**The Date - Saturday Night's a Night For Fighting**

Kurt's face hurt from all the - pretty obvious, probably - fake smiling he was engaging in. He was still winning the "most polite son"-award by miles though: Puck did an excellent impression of a thunder cloud made human. Kurt expected him to develop the ability to fling lightening any minute...

Puck was glowering nonstop, grunted when talked to and growled one word answers when pushed. The only non-hostile thing he did was inhaling insane amounts of food. At least he chewed with his mouth closed. Small favors... Why hadn't he taught this skill to Finn in their years of friendship? Then he could have said he'd done something useful with his life!

Kurt had to admit that he might have liked Deborah Puckerman quite a bit under other circumstances - if she hadn't stolen his dad from Carole and Finn from him (in a roundabout way). And if she hadn't spawned her oldest child she would have gotten extra bonus points. The other one, a nine year old girl that clearly came after Ms. Puckerman in looks rather than whoever Puck had gotten his unfairly spectacular DNA from, seemed much nicer. As far as his limited knowledge indicated; Kurt didn't have much experience with younger kids. Well, not that he had many close friends his own age either. And his main playmates as a child had been his parents and then his parent. The only serious flaw he had detected so far in the girl was that Sarah clearly worshipped her big brother. And she liked the color fuchsia a bit too much; but if he could forgive Mercedes for that he supposed it was acceptable in a nine year old.

He was still mourning that he had to binge that clever, rethoric masterpiece he had composed weeks ago for the event of Finn and Carole sitting here instead: about families combining and going on to greater things as a newly formed dynasty. It might have been _slightly_ self-aggrandizing to compare themselves to the Kennedys and take all the credit for the merger, making it all about himself (though, really: _it was!_)... But it had been beautiful! Poignant! Something which would look good printed in his autobiography (he had written that part already, just in case).

While Kurt had zoned out his Dad had launched another charm offensive at Puck. Because the last four tries to engage him had worked _sooo_ well. Apparently the latest effort involved- sports? Oh fantastic.

"Maybe we'll catch a game sometime, huh? I sell tires to a customer who's an assistant coach with the Browns; I'll ask him for some tickets."

"I support the Bengals," Puck made it sound like a declaration of war. Perhaps it was.

Kurt, as always, had only nebulous knowledge of anything athletic. Unless they planned to discuss figure skating for which he had a fondness as a spectator. Fit men contorting themselves and working up a sweat while wearing skin-tight outfits: what was not to love? He doubted the other men at the table shared his appreciation though. Well, he _knew_ his dad didn't, and what were the chances of Puck adoring it? Perhaps if the women performed naked…

"Also, way to sabotage me, Mr. H!" Puck had ignored his dad's 'I'm Burt.' and glared - more - whenever he called him Noah. "If I accept a free ticket from a coach I can kiss my NCAA Eligibility goodbye before even getting into junior year."

Kurt had absolutely no clue what Puck was talking about. But his dad seemed to have an idea, because he looked remorseful and like he regretted his offer – and possibly his attempt at softening Puck up by name dropping. Kurt supposed the average jock would be more impressed than himself with mentions of NFL coaches. He _did_ know who the Browns were though. Ha! Nobody needed to know that he would have had no idea whatsoever what kind of sport they played, until his vested interest in one Finn Hudson who supported them. Puck however was clearly immune to NFL name dropping. Or - just as likely - willing to cut his nose off to spite his face, or better, Kurt's dad.

"... Not all of us can afford college tuition _and_ support our kid's right to look like a freakishly expensive one man bad taste party all through high school."

Alright, so Puck graduating from one word answers didn't really improve the atmosphere. Kurt should have suspected.

"Noah! That's uncalled for."

Puck snorted, "_You_ do see what he's wearing, do'ya Ma? The silver things all over his jacket look like freaking _drain pipes_ coming out of him! And that much overload of shrill zigzag pattern at once is probably illegal. Crime against humanity or something – we should call Den Haag. You really trying to defend that? Love must be blind…"

The little sister giggled, then hid her face while continuing to steal glances at Kurt's outfit. Which wasn't nearly as outlandish as Puck made it out to be, honestly. Even if his dad had winced and kind of looked like he wanted to agree. He had even tried to get Kurt to change before they left the house! Kurt had of course refused. Burt Hummel made jersey sweaters look like an exciting new step towards high fashion with his usual attire. What did _he_ know?

Kurt lifted his chin, "Well, not all of us can be fashion-conscious, can we?"

His silver-black brocade dinner jacket was _fabulous _and the protruding silver accents on it looked in no way like drain pipes! Really. Though now he knew finally what the detailing had vaguely reminded him of... Anyway. Just because Puck was a Neanderthal who couldn't appreciate vintage Balmain, or Missoni and its legendary zigzag pattern on his long top and Wellington-inspired boots even if they bit him in the ass, didn't mean his outfit wasn't high fashion. It might be too adventurous for Lima or high school - or the whole Midwest - but that wasn't _Kurt's_ problem.

Besides, now that he was in the Cheerios and finally had his shot at something vaguely resembling popularity his opportunities for fashion had dwindled: he was mostly in the uniform at school. There was no way he'd miss the chance at an outing like that to look fashionable!

"_Well_," Puck mimicked him, "at least if you ever go blind no one will notice your outfits suddenly getting weirder cause you can't see the patterns or colors anymore. Unless the guide-dog can't stop howling and refuses to let you leave the house you'll look the same as now..."

There was a desperate noise from Sarah's place. The little girl had snorted her soft drink through her nose when she started laughing, spraying half the table. Only the table. At least now Kurt had an excuse to stop eating his subpar, surely non-organic meal with the dish having been sprayed. He needed to lose weight for the Cheerios anyway. Sadly Puck as the one human - for a given value of humanity - directly in the line of fire or drink had somehow avoided the shower. Damn.

Ms. Puckerman looked apologetically and slightly amused at the Hummels, stood up and held out her hand to the girl who ineffectively wiped at her sprayed sweater while still leaking carbonated beverage out of her nose.

"Come on Sarah, let's go clean you up."

The other boy watched his mother and sister leave for the restroom. Kurt was momentarily struck by the fondness on his face, it seemed very unlike Puck... It was weird to see him care so obviously about his family. Kurt didn't like it. As soon as Puck turned back though – towards the Hummels – any trace of fondness or goodwill had vanished from his features. That was better.

His dad, with admirable stubbornness, started a new line of communication, "So, I was won-"

Puck cut his dad off, "You know, the lawn furniture on your roof? I was behind that one."

Puck gave his dad a blinding smile, showing off all his teeth. Kurt was reminded of a great white shark. They could cast him in bronze and add him to Carmel High's absurd school statue. He'd fit right in, with a dying seal pup between his toothpaste-ad teeth...

"_What the_- you little punk! Why would you do that?"

"Felt like it. Also, your son is a spiteful spoiled little snot so it needed to be done. What with your epic romance with my ma I thought you should know: spirit of full disclosure and shit."

Kurt couldn't quite pretend to himself Puck's casual judgment didn't hurt. Stupid of course, what did he even have in common with Puck other than Glee? And dating parents, sadly. So what was the boy saying: it had been Kurt's own fault, he had brought that on himself? Typical victim-blaming. Why had he ever thought Puck had grown beyond that?

His dad stared at Puck, clearly trying not to lunge over the table. Kurt wondered if he should remind him of his blood pressure? He refrained: it would upset his dad even more. Besides, Puck didn't need more ammunition.

Puck sprawled even more in his seat and beamed. The ruthless part of Kurt admired the other boy's calm composure: his father could be really scary when angry. The loving son-part wanted to see Puck _eaten_ by a great white shark for antagonizing his dad when he'd clearly tried hard to engage the jock. The _other_ son-part, the one who wanted his dad to himself or Finn and Carole on the other side of the table, wondered if Puck could actually be successful with his strategy and crossed his fingers under the table in silent support.

"And you tell me now, on our first meeting to get to know each other's families... What? You think I'll just give up on Deborah now? Go back with my tail between my legs because her oldest kid is a bully? Because he doesn't like me?"

"Sure. That works for me." Puck smiled again, the picture of easy charm - as long as you ignored his eyes glittering with malice. "Don't think you're quite that easy though Mr. H, eh? But who knows? Or maybe you're just that _desperate_. Going after my mom, after- what? eight years? of not getting any?"

Kurt gasped. His dad was rhythmically clenching and unclenching his fists under the table, Kurt could see them trembling. When he spoke he sounded surprisingly calm though.

"You think someone wanting to be with your mom has to be desperate? Hmm. That's an interesting opinion from a supposedly loving son. A son helping out around the house, helping her raise his little sister, babysitting..."

Suddenly Puck looked _furious_. "You know nothing about me and my mom, asshole! Nothing 'bout _my_ family! You're not the first douche bag going after my mom or sister. None of them are in the picture _now_. You'll be history soon enough too. And if not I'll _make_ you."

Kurt was suddenly reminded of freshman!Puck's face when he'd destroyed that hockey guy and grabbed his dad's arm. He wasn't sure whether for protection or to protect. Clearly his father had finally landed a hit too. Kurt wasn't really sure what exactly had Puck so livid. His dad probably didn't know either. He could feel his father's tightly clenched muscles; he seemed as unnerved as Kurt by the focused menace rolling in waves of off Puck.

"I really hope we're not at death threats yet, son."

"Don't call me that! You're not my father, or my rabbi. And you'll know when I'm making death threats. But if you lay one hand on my ma - or Sarah - there won't be any threats or warnings."

Holy crap. That _was_ pretty much a death threat. In his admittedly limited experience. At least a threat of bodily harm...

Was Puck _insane?_ That was way beyond teenage strategies for running the new partner off!

Did he mean it?

If someone told him about this, he'd scoff, calling macho posturing. But having just _seen_ it... he wasn't so sure. Or rather: he was. Unsettlingly so. Hockey guy bleeding on the floor flashed through his mind.

Puck had gotten taller and much more muscular since then. Physically he was by far the most mature boy in their year: he'd seen him being mistaken for a student teacher, absurd as the image of Puckerman as an educator was. What kind of damage could he inflict now? When he'd collected himself after his locker room briefing and the other boy had stormed off Kurt had realized that Puck hadn't really done anything to him other than manhandling him and being scarily quick about it. He hadn't really _tried_ to hurt him. Kurt's dad was two inches smaller than the jock and while stocky and solidly built, not exactly into doing sports for several years now (rather than watching which he was very much into, unfortunately) and certainly not into martial arts or boxing. Puck had been doing some kind for years if Kurt remembered correctly from overheard conversations the guy had had with Matt and Mike. Well, Mike; Matt hadn't ever done much talking in Kurt's vicinity; or anywhere reportedly. And there was Puck's rumored involvement in some kind of underground fighting ring... It didn't sound good at all. It sounded rather terrible, to be honest.

Kurt was pulled out of his worried musings by Ms. Puckerman and Sarah returning. They interrupted his dad's and Puck's glaring match and Puck switched gears unsettlingly fast, grinning at his little sister.

"Hey squirt, how's your nose?"

The girl wrinkled said nose. "Weird. Having drinking stuff up there _hurts!"_

"Duh, I could have told you that. Then you wouldn't have to try yourself, sprog."

"You made me, Noah! It's your fault for saying funny things when I'm drinking. Mom, can I have ice cream for dessert?"

"Sure sweetie. Anyone else?"

His dad and Puck wanted some too. Puck had gone back to stony silence and only interacted with his sister, keeping up some surprisingly good-natured banter with her. He ignored everyone else. The adults carried the conversation alone and were rapidly verging on being ridiculously mushy, even with the occasional gagging sound or disgusted snort (Puck), pained sigh (Kurt) and giggling (Sarah) from their embarrassed and mildly to extremely disapproving offspring.

Finally though it was time to leave and end the ordeal. Dad settled the bill, assured Deborah she could pay at their next collective outing which prompted a not exactly quiet "Not gonna happen!" from Puck and then they were on their way out of the restaurant.

"Son, go on already. I need to talk to Debbie for a moment."

"About her son _threatening to destroy you?_ Yeah, good idea. Don't touch her in any way while Puck's watching for god's sake! I really don't want to be an orphan during the rest of my high school career. Or having to tell Glee club that we're a member short for Regionals because Puckerman's in prison for murdering my dad."

"At least you're still joking." His father ruffled his hair, despite knowing how much Kurt _hated_ that. "See you later."

Kurt watched his father approach "Debbie" who sent a sullen Puck onwards to her car with his sister. He climbed into the Navigator and put on some therapeutic Lady Gaga, closing his eyes and wailing along. From the Puckerman's Volvo on the other side angry hard rock blasted over the parking lot. Something about Russian hookers, Western European journalists and not giving attitude or having attitude or something and drinking? Seemed Puck had a similar coping strategy for the evening, if less taste. Kurt upped the volume and closed the window, immersing himself fully in his own choice of sound until his dad would come and force him to change volume and music.

At least it was over. Even if they stayed together, despite their children obviously being not in favor of the relationship _or_ each other. The adults _couldn't_ be stupid enough to try this again with both families. Maybe they'd keep their relationship between themselves in the future. That would be something at least...

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** An explanation for the non-US-Americans among us (like me, actually): when Puck refers to Burt screwing up his chances for a college scholarship he refers to an athletic one. It's a pretty much unique US-system: athletic scholarships for higher academic institutions (who actually earn money and even have TV stations for the more popular college teams in cases. Some sports like American football also use college teams to recruit pro-players since they don't have league systems from amateur to pro to premier through which players can graduate to the highest one. They also can't contract players right after high school: so people who hope for a professional sports career want to go to and play in college despite being completely disinterested in - or unequipped for - getting a degree). They typically also allow for much lower grades than regular admission to the college. Hence why canonically dumb and academically lazy Finn deluded himself into thinking he could get via football into Ohio State University, one of the best state universities with rather high entrance requirements. And incidentally one of the biggest, most successful football programs: making the selection of a mediocre quarterback with a record for most sacks even from their home state very unlikely for the limited scholarships...

For students from a financially disadvantaged background or with mediocre grades an athletic scholarship might be the only chance to go to college. They are handled by the NCAA for the colleges and require a very strict amateur status that is monitored with much paperwork. A free hamburger or game ticket by a coach or recruiter years before graduating can mean you won't be eligible much later, if it comes out. NCAA Eligibility is an important thing to maintain for anyone hoping to get an athletic scholarship. Puck here is both sincere in his worry if very cautious _and_ rude: implying Burt would deliberately ruin his chances by engineering something that will make Puck non-eligible. Kurt of course has no idea how it works or what it even is that's talked about, since he has zero interest in sports or athletic scholarships. If this were junior or the start of senior year and he'd still be crushing on Finn he might learn about it by virtue of being extremely interested in Finn's business and plans.

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><p>Next up: the aftermath, or possibly round two<p> 


	7. Different Coping Styles

**Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family AKA Puckmel TaT**

Thank you to _Kim _for reviewing! It's very much appreciated.

Real life has been hectic and unkind. And this week our family's dog died and we're pretty much all heart-broken.

I've done some writing but not nearly as much as usual. Still: have another long chappie! Let me know what you think, please. I love getting reviews and I appreciate your thoughts and ideas!

Fair warning: I've already written several more chapters of this tale (and have the whole thing plotted to the end of season 2) but need some crucial bridges still, so they're not in posting shape yet. **But** I've neglected _Malleable _(my Puck-Blaine friendship-mentoring/Klaine piece dealing with dominance and submission from a non-sexual perspective) and its thankfully very patient fans (thanks guys!) a lot, as well as several of my shorter prompt fills not on FFnet. So before I post the next chapter of PuckmelTaT here I'll be updating _Malleable_ and taking care of the hanging prompts. See you then! Unless you review - then you'll hear from me sooner ^_^

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

**Different Coping Styles - Fights, Musicals, Sex- and Retail-Therapy (Also: Burt engages in psychological warfare - without ever having been dropped behind enemy-lines to go after Noriega or served on a Special OP team)**

That hadn't gone well. Not that he'd thought it _would_. It was called life experience. Or common sense. Or both. Something his ma completely lacked in the grip of *gag* new love. He knew all about that one...

She thought it had gone okay. His look had left absolutely no doubt that he thought she was delusional. Puck had practically booked her a padded room in the asylum with his look (he prided himself on his badass eloquence: he could convey freaking Russian novels with a look if he wanted to!). Where she belonged until she came to her senses again. Couldn't she be like– be celibate or something? Or discretely hook up with one night stands that never wound up at Chez Puckerman to traumatize Sarah and drive Puck to the brink of homicide before finishing high school? Or have an exciting virtual romance in a purely virtual community? Or buy a vibrator? Or join the Twilight-fandom and fantasize about the Brit-vampire who never washed his greasy hair, Robert Patterson, in the privacy of her bedroom – or whatever the equivalent for middle-aged people was? Or wait until Sarah was safely off to college in only nine years? Like, ya know, a normal person?

What did she need another loser for? And why did it have to be _this one?_ The dude wasn't even forty and bald, for fuck's sake! Ha, he wondered if that was _Kurt in like twenty years_, needing to go toupee-shopping or researching hair transplants? He had to keep that one in mind for when Hummel once again threw an epic "me, me, me!" bitch-fit: the realistic threat of premature baldness would tip Kurt into a full-scale psychotic breakdown! He'd love a front row seat for that spectacle! All that thousands of dollars of hair crap for nothing.

He had fled to his room while Ma put Sarah to bed, threw himself onto his own bed, plugged his IPod in and vowed not to come out again tonight. He didn't even check on Quinn: he had more than enough drama for today. She likely wouldn't let him feel his little girl anyway, she rarely did...

"Noah?"

"_What?_"

His mom came in and just looked at him for moment. What? He couldn't make out her expression and it wasn't due to the low lighting. Had the asshole said something in the parking lot when they'd sent the "kids" off? Puck kept his own face expressionless, himself from fidgeting, crossed his legs at the ankles and his arms behind his head and simply stared back. He wasn't about to apologize for anything, whatever the douche had told her.

"Burt said you threatened him."

Yeah, thanks asshole.

"He's delusional. Looks like you two match. That's something you got going for your relationship at least."

"You're not going to pick a fight with me, Noah, I won't let you. And I believe Burt. I know I'm not often there for you. I know I leave you with a lot of responsibility when it comes to Sarah, to the household, to yourself. I know I miss quite a bit of what you get up to - I'm stressed and overworked, not stupid!", she gave him a shrewd look that suddenly reminded him of his nana, who, yeah, was _her_ mom so it made sense, "- and this sounds _exactly_ like you. You probably planned to 'have a word' with him before we even left here for dinner. Would Sarah have gotten an accidental drink in her lap if she hadn't made a mess herself, to get us to leave?"

His ma sighed, crossed the room and sat down next to him on his bed.

"I understand why you did it. I really do. I don't like it but I do. But you can't go around threatening people, even if you do it to protect our family. And please give me - if not Burt - the benefit of doubt. I _told_ you I was careful, I told you I'd never again let a threat into our family! Couldn't you have trusted me, your mother? For one evening at least? What if Burt had gone to the police? You've shaken him quite a bit!"

He ignored the crap about trusting her taste in men and keeping them safe. When had _that_ ever panned out with a guy involved? Starting with his dad, the stupid fucker… But yay for getting to Hummel, version the bald one!

"I knew he wouldn't. Dude's not going to get into your pants if he's reporting your son to the police. Ergo he keeps his mouth shut. Easy."

"Perhaps." He snorted. "Alright, it's unlikely he would report you. But have you thought about his only child - the kid you yourself say he spoils massively - who sat right next to him while you threatened him with- what? Death? Injury? He certainly would have taken action if he believed _Kurt_ in danger from you! And then? G-d, Noah! Your friends on the force won't always be able to look away! Yes, I _know_ they do. I know it's not _your_ behavior that's responsible for that clean record of yours, give me a little credit! Or how often you visit our ER? Do you really believe I'm completely oblivious that my son is one of Lima's bad boys? At sixteen?"

She'd certainly acted like it.

"Whatever."

He could let her think she'd won this round, back off. _Fuck that!_

"You do what you think is right. I can't change anything about your crappy taste in guys anyway... I do what I think is right for me and Sarah. And I did! If you don't like that or your guy don't like it - tough luck, I don't give a fuck."

The expected "language, Noah!" failed to make an appearance. Instead his mom shifted closer, raising her hand to stroke over the strip of hair. Puck allowed it for only a moment before jerking his head away and shrugging her hand off. He didn't want to be babied.

"Oh, baby." She sounded choked up. "When have you become so- hard? So jaded? You're still so young! It can't be all me dating. Is this about Quinn- and Finn? The baby?"

Oh, for fuck's sake! She just had to go there, did she?

"No. It's not about the girl I l-like having my baby, pretending I tricked her into it like she wasn't with me every step, then calling me a loser and now all gung-ho to give my little girl away, whether I want to or not. Or Finn the hypocrite moron cheating on her with your precious Jewish princess-in-law Rachel but acting all outraged about me and Quinn. It's not! It's about _you_ heading for another disaster leaving you depressed and useless for months when your romance crashes and burns or turns into a domestic violence case - take your pick - before Sarah and me are safely out the house! _Again._ And if you haven't noticed how I've been for years and now it's such a big fucking surprise, it's not my problem!"

Having finished his rant he sat up and squirmed past her, wanting to get away. The whole thing was pointless anyway.

"Where are you going, Noah?"

"Bathroom."

Puck yanked a clean pair of briefs from his closet and strode out. He stayed a long time under the shower, letting the hot water drown everything out. He wasn't even in the mood to jerk off! His mother in a relationship could kill the strongest libido. It was practically the real world equivalent of a Dementor: sucking all happiness and joy from existence. Not that there had been much joy or happiness lately... Crap. He hoped she didn't wait in his room. He was so not in the mood for another round, or a heart to heart or a "where did I go wrong with you?"-guilt fest or any shit.

He stayed in the bath for nearly two hours. There was only so much to do before running out of things to improve physical perfection however (no, he wasn't vain, just realistic: he knew exactly how hot he was. ... Alright, so he was vain _and_ realistic. He had eyes and a mirror, chicks had been throwing themselves at him since he's been twelve, and he's been the first guy in their year to cash in the big V). He'd even read some girly horse magazine Sarah left in the bathroom and Quinn's Instyle - which at least had lots of hot chicks - in a desperate move to prolong his stay. When he finally emerged the coast was clear.

His mom had given up. First good thing after practice today. And she'd changed his sheets before leaving. Oops. He probably should have done that after he had that senior Cheerio over for a bit - a lot - of rough sex Thursday evening while his ma had again been working. Puck deliberately didn't think about how much his ma would have had to overlook the lingering signs of marathon sex on his bedding. He had needed a safe way to work out his agitation after Hummel had dropped the bomb about their stupid parents and his ma confirmed it. And that chick was up for it even after Babygate (though he had to wear a rubber despite her being on the pill, which sucked: he supposed he could take it as a compliment to his super-strong swimmers though) what with her loser of a boyfriend not knowing what she liked - or maybe he just sucked at sex in general, who knew? Or cared. Puck had ignored Quinn being in the guestroom on Thursday and likely hearing him fucking her ex-team mate into Nirvana for three hours. Screw her. He was done bending over backwards for her, outside of baby-stuff. She didn't want him. Not for anything other than a roof over her head or fetching the banned bacon she craved: she made that more than clear. Nor did she want his baby girl.

He heard his mom talking softly in the living room. She was on the phone with her guy. Great. Puck went to bed and vowed to spend all Sunday there as long as his mom was around. She wanted to go to some horse thing with Sarah so at least he wouldn't need to hide all day to be left alone.

* * *

><p>They hadn't talked about the evening when they got home. Kurt decided to erase the whole episode from his mind by re-watching VictorVictoria and imagine how fabulous he'd be in the lead role – maybe in a production where the lead switched genders even? A male performer pretending to be a woman? Who was still getting the hunky mobster, who'd simply change sexual orientation when confronted with the perfection that was Kurt, or his character? Like Finn would in real life in the near future...

When he went up for something to drink (Evian, zero calories, go him!) his dad was on the phone, talking softly. Deborah probably. Looked like Puck hadn't managed to scare his dad off... At least not yet.

On Sunday Kurt managed to get his dad to go shopping with him. He purchased most of his stuff online of course. It was cheaper and often the only way, given that Lima wasn't exactly fashion capital of the world. Or the US, or the state or even just Western Ohio... But sometimes it was nice to actually see and try on clothes and shoes (especially shoes!) before buying. A few remarks of how good a sport he had been yesterday, how traumatized by Puck's threats, how hard the change of his father's romantic life was on his only child but how selfless Kurt would cope to support his dad's happiness and presto, he'd guilted him into a major shopping spree. He'd even manage to talk Burt into buying a few – conservative, boring but good quality at least - pieces for himself, citing how impressed Debbie would be. Dad hadn't looked convinced but decided to humor Kurt.

Now they were on their way back home. With nine shopping bags, eight of them Kurt's: he couldn't wait to brag to Mercedes! This was why starving yourself worked! Santana was right: looking amazing and being – hopefully – more popular was totally worth it. Maybe Mercedes, upon seeing Kurt's haul, would get the point and finally lose those pounds that would make her appearance in that article less... heavy, and in turn make Sue marginally happier. Then she'd have more choice of designer clothes too! (Mercedes; not Sue obviously who never wore anything but track suits, the poor soul: she'd look fabulous in a designer piece too with her height and slender body type as their Madonna make-over had shown. Shame Sue Sylvester was resistent to their combined make-over powers.) Because, as much as he loved Mercedes, high end designers didn't cater above a certain size. The chance to finally wear the really fabulous pieces should motivate his friend in losing weight and Kurt would help her to fulfill his-, _her_ goal! They needed to start practicing interviews for their impending Nationals win soon too.

Kurt abandoned his musings about their glorious future as _the_ undisputed stars of the Cheerios when his dad slowed the Navigator down in a street Kurt had never been to. What were they doing? He looked around but couldn't see anything that would explain his dad stopping here. It was a random residential area with mostly older detached houses: not poor, not upscale. Very average. Boring.

It would be much more exciting if Finn lived here, but that wasn't the case: Kurt had followed his love home once and had known where he lived for some time. He'd been there a few times; outside that is. And of course there had been the one time when Finn had invited him home to help him pick clothes to impress the Fabrays: he'd gone through the kitchen and up on the second floor and into the attic! He'd been disappointed when Finn hadn't shown him his room or wanted to hang out afterwards and pretty much escorted him out. But it had been a start! Last he'd been there to research Carole... He was interested in his future boyfriend and how he lived: contrarily to what Mercedes had implied when he'd accidentally let his research slip it wasn't strange or creepy at all. It was just showing a healthy interest - and being discrete about it while Finn had yet to come to terms with his feelings for Kurt and his own latent homosexuality. It was actually very considerate of Kurt and Finn would appreciate Kurt's care in getting to know him later.

Kurt was just about to ask about their purpose here when his dad said: "I need to do something, son. Be back in a moment."

Kurt left the car too, curious, and then registered the name on the post box next to him: Puckerman. Oh. Well, that explained his dad wanting to be here. So this was where Puck lived? Hmmm. He wasn't sure what to think: it looked so- normal. Yes, rationally he knew that the jocks didn't amble off to their caves or into Lima's version of L.A.'s South Central ghetto, whatever that was, when they left McKinley. Even if that was one of Kurt's favorite fantasies... But still. Weird. It looked pretty much like the Hudson-residence – perhaps a bit better cared for, even. There was a children's bike on the porch, Sarah's likely.

Kurt stopped halfway between their car and his dad on the path to the Puckerman house. Who had just knocked on the door and stepped back a bit when the door opened to a shirtless Puck.

God, why did the boy feel the need to flaunt his body at any given opportunity? You'd think he _wanted_ the school queer to check him out! Kurt immediately suppressed the sensible voice pointing out that lounging around half-naked in one's own home wasn't exactly the pinnacle of shameless showing off. He didn't want to be fair or rational about Puck! Especially not after yesterday.

"WTF? ... Mom's not here." Puck glared at his dad.

Great, what an exciting change from yesterday's attitude!

"I know. Didn't come for her. Puck? I want to say sorry for what I said yesterday."

_What? _His dad was apologizing. To Puck! _Why? _

"I didn't know about-, about that bastard. Deborah told me. I'm really sorry that I reminded you of that time. I'm not like that. I've never laid hand on a woman or a child in my life. I never will."

"She told you. Well, ain't that grand? Good for you. I still don't like you. And I can throw Kurt further than I trust _you_."

Puck made to turn around and go in again.

"Hey, wait please. Do you accept my apology?"

His father looked startlingly humble on the Puckerman's porch, looking up at Puck, trucker hat in hand. What was he _doing?_ More importantly, _why was he ignoring references to Kurt-throwing?_

Puck seemed just as weirded out by his dad, scrutinizing him with narrowed eyes. Finally he seemed to come to a decision.

"... Yeah, alright, fine. Whatever."

When they'd gotten back into their car Kurt couldn't refrain from asking rather aggressively, "What was that about, Dad?"

"I can't really tell you Kurt, not my place. Let's just say there was scum preying on Debbie and even little Sarah and Noah had to deal with that alone. I reminded him unintentionally. Kid's a bully, reckless and cocky; I don't like him much at the moment. But I can't deny that he's doing a lot for his family, making sacrifices for his sister, helping his mom: he's a real family guy, taking on lots of responsibility. Has for years from what Debbie says. I'd never want him to think of me like I'm one of those punks he needs to protect them from."

"Whatever happened to 'nobody pushes the Hummels around'? And I couldn't help but notice that you reacted surprisingly nonchalant to me being thrown around."

"He just said that; 's not like he did it. You said yourself the kid didn't target you."

Yes, _now, _Thursday excluded_._

And okay, he _might_ not have told his dad about before. Visits to Figgins - or earlier to Ms. Leach in middle school, different bullies, same crap - by Dad didn't ever help. In fact they made everything worse: after his dad had been in because of that Adams-mountain of fat, Kurt had lost a _month_ worth of clothing to the garbage bin. Also, it was a bit difficult to explain that your first love, the boy destined to be your life partner, was- well, present and involved in your bullying right next to his (ex) best friend. That's why his dad had no idea about Finn and Matt and a guy whose name Kurt still doesn't know throwing pee balloons into Kurt's face last summer. It would just make Burt accepting Finn as Kurt's first – and hopefully last! - boyfriend harder, so he kept quiet. Finn had apologized. In a way. It was water under the bridge and wouldn't impact their relationship. Finn's past as one of Kurt's tormentors (reformed!) simply made their romance more exciting... Yes.

"You think he pushed me around, Kurt? I don't think so. Sometimes you gotta be subtle. He accepted my apology didn't he? And he _really_ didn't want to. But no one made him other than himself. Now he's gotta remember that, me reaching out and him accepting, no matter how much he doesn't like me. Kid's like an alpha dog protecting his pack. Show him you respect that and his protecting his pack and he won't bite."

"No, he'll just pee on you. To stay within your metaphor. No thanks Dad, I think I'll pass on this particular strategy."

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><p>Next chapter: back to McKinley. Inappropriate song choices, alcoholic cougars resurfacing, Puck wondering about having psychic powers and Kurt in the grip of a quest for the perfect body...<p> 


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